5 Keys to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
Most of us stood at the altar and made the same quiet promise to ourselves: the D-word would never be in our vocabulary. And we meant it — with everything we had. But here's the truth nobody tells you on your wedding day: a strong marriage doesn't just happen. It has to be built, intentionally, day after day.
On a recent episode of Bringing Hope Home, Bryce and I sat down to talk about something that's close to our hearts — how to divorce-proof your marriage before cracks ever appear. As pastors of 20 years, we've walked with couples at every stage: from newlyweds navigating their first year to couples who are barely holding on. And what we've seen over and over again is that the marriages that last are the ones where both people are actively, intentionally choosing to build something strong.
Here are five things we believe every couple can do — plus a bonus that Bryce wishes he'd known sooner.
1. Continually Reaffirm Your Commitment
One of the saddest things we hear as pastors is a spouse who says, "I know he loves me — he's just never said it. He doesn't show it." And yes, that's heartbreaking. Because love that lives only in your heart, but never makes it out into your words and actions, doesn't do your spouse much good.
Your vows were beautiful. But they were a starting point, not a finish line.
Reaffirming your commitment looks like small, consistent, everyday things:
"I appreciate you."
"I'm here for you — no matter what."
"How can I pray for you today?"
"I see you're stressed — what can I take off your plate?"
And it's not just words. Prioritize date nights — even simple ones. Put your phone away when you're together. Use each other's love languages. Give your full attention, not just your physical presence.
The other person will feel it. And they will appreciate it more than you know.
2. Invest in Yourself
Here's something we don't say enough: your marriage is only as strong as you are. A stagnant, burnt-out, unfulfilled version of you cannot pour into a thriving marriage. You have to keep growing — mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally.
Read a book. Pursue a passion. Go to the conference. Take the class. Don't settle into a version of yourself that stopped growing the day you said "I do."
And here's a gentle nudge: don't wait until a crisis forces you to grow. We've seen people dive into self-improvement after a divorce. Do it now, while your marriage is still standing — or while you're rebuilding it.
3. Invest In Your Spouse
Just as important as investing in yourself is investing in your spouse — their dreams, their growth, their joy. Be their biggest cheerleader. Know what fills them up. And then help make it happen.
Earlier this year, I went to a writing conference in Chattanooga, Tennessee. It was something I really needed — connections, community, time with friends. Bryce didn't hesitate. He said, "Go. You need this." That was a gift. It was a sacrifice on his part, but he knew that me coming home filled up would make everything better for both of us.
Investing in your spouse has nothing to do with you. It's a sacrifice. But a full, thriving spouse fills up your marriage — and that fills up you.
4. Find God Together
We're a Christian podcast, so you knew this was coming. And we make no apology for it — because this is the one that changes everything.
Picture a triangle. God is at the top. You and your spouse are at the two bottom corners. The farther you are from God, the farther you are from each other. But the closer you both move toward the top — toward Him — the closer you get to one another.
Bryce shared something early in our relationship that has always stuck with me. When we were dating, he saw that I was chasing after Jesus — really running after Him. And Bryce made a decision: he either needed to catch up, or get off at the next exit. He knew he couldn't let our spiritual lives drift in different directions and expect our marriage to thrive.
Growing spiritually together means praying together, going to church together, finding couples who are also chasing God, and letting your faith shape how you parent, how you handle your finances, how you make decisions. The closer you both get to God, the more you start seeing everything the same way.
Chase Him together. Your marriage will follow.
5. Surround Yourself With the Right Couples
Show us your closest friends, and we'll show you the direction your marriage is heading. The people around you influence your mindset more than you realize.
If your closest friends are all single and living like it, that mentality will start to seep in. But if you surround yourself with couples who have strong, faith-filled, long-lasting marriages — couples who fight for each other and for their families — that becomes your normal too.
We've had couples tell us they don't even know what a healthy marriage looks like — they've never seen one up close. If that's you, find an older couple at your church whose marriage you admire and ask them to mentor you. Most couples like that would be honored to pour into you.
You become who you surround yourself with. Choose wisely.
Bonus Tip: Equal Isn't Always Equal — and That's Okay
Bryce grew up believing everything should be divided equally. Equal is fair. Equal is right. And then he got married — and discovered that marriage doesn't work like that.
Case in point: when our first son came home from the hospital, Bryce was determined to get up for every middle-of-the-night feeding. Equal, right? The problem was — he is absolutely miserable without sleep, and I was nursing anyway. It took us about two nights to figure out that equal in this case was actually making things harder for both of us.
By baby number two, we had it figured out: I handled the nights. He handled other things. It wasn't 50/50 — it was each of us giving 100% in the areas where we were strongest.
Marriage isn't a scoreboard. Drop the "you always" and "you never" language. Stop keeping track of who did more or gave more. When you both give everything you have — to each other, to your family — you both win.
And the family wins too. That's the whole point.
"Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man." Proverbs 3:3-4 (NIV)
Let It Be More Than Words
Faithfulness is a fruit of the Spirit. In a world that constantly says "get something new" or "upgrade," choosing to stay — to commit, to fight for your marriage, to be faithful — is one of the most countercultural and beautiful things you can do.
Why do we cheer when we see couples celebrating 40, 50, or 60 years together — even non-Christians? Because something deep inside us recognizes the beauty and the weight of that kind of commitment. There is something to be said for that kind of faithfulness.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you. Let it be more than the words you said on your wedding day.
Your marriage is worth fighting for. And with God at the center, we believe it can not only survive — it can absolutely thrive.
Ready to build a stronger marriage?
Check out our Marriage Builders Course
A faith-based, practical curriculum — less than a dinner out — that could change everything.
🎧 Listen to the full episode of Bringing Hope Home wherever you get your podcasts.
Bring hope home to your life today. 💛
— Bryce & Colette Schaffer