Deepening Your Roots: What Research Reveals About Truly Connected Couples
There's a myth a lot of us buy into without even realizing it: the happily-ever-after myth. You plan the wedding. You say "I do." And somewhere in the back of your mind, you think the connection is just supposed to happen from here on out.
It doesn't work that way. And honestly? That's not a bad thing.
Flourishing marriages aren't found — they're built. They're not the result of luck or chemistry that magically sustains itself for thirty years. They're the result of two people who keep choosing, again and again, to deepen their roots together.
We Are Not the People We Married
I was eighteen years old when I got married. Bryce will be the first to tell you — thank goodness I’m not that same eighteen-year-old anymore. And thank goodness he isn't the same person either.
That's the part nobody warns you about at the altar: you will change. Your spouse will change. Careers shift, kids come along, seasons of grief and seasons of joy reshape you both. If your roots aren't deepening right alongside that change, you can wake up one day next to someone you don't recognize — not because they became a stranger overnight, but because you both quietly stopped growing together.
The good news is, there's a way to keep that from happening.
What the Research Says
A 2024 study out of the Wheatley Institute (affiliated with BYU) looked closely at high-connecting couples versus low-connecting couples, and identified four ongoing actions that separated the two groups:
Time together — High-connecting couples spent an average of 71% of their time together, compared to just 19% for low-connecting couples.
Acts of kindness — 72% of high-connecting couples consistently practiced kindness toward one another, compared to 18%.
Forgiving offenses — 70% of high-connecting couples actively practiced forgiveness, compared to only 21%.
Relationship maintenance — 53% of high-connecting couples intentionally maintained their relationship (think date nights, check-ins, time away together), compared to 30%.
The study also identified three marital virtues that showed up dramatically more often in high-connecting couples:
Commitment to each other — 72% versus 26%.
Other-centeredness — 60% versus 21%.
Compassion — 56% versus 18%.
Nearly every single number is close to triple. That's not a small gap. That's the difference between a marriage that's coasting and a marriage that's thriving.
Become Christ-Centered — Individually and Together
Before anything else, we come back to Ephesians 5:20 and the call to be Christ-centered. When both spouses are individually walking with Christ and building their marriage around Him together, everything else has a foundation to stand on. It's not enough for one of you to carry the faith for the both of you — both of you need to define what walking with Christ looks like, separately and together.
Communicate — Positively
There's a difference between communicating and communicating well. A lot of us default to sarcasm, one-liners, or silence when something is bothering us. It might feel like communication, but it rarely lands as positive. It took years of marriage to learn that holding things in doesn't make them disappear — it just turns into a tea kettle that eventually boils over. Find how your spouse best receives communication, and choose to deliver it with a positive tone, even when the conversation is hard.
Cultivate Moments to Actually Connect
Sitting on the same couch in front of the same TV isn't the same as connecting. Being at your kid's ball game together is being together in space — not necessarily together in heart. Try mixing it up: a walk after dinner, a game with no screens, an actual conversation about what's going on in each other's heads. Time together only deepens roots when you're truly present in it.
Keep Everything as a Shared Responsibility
Marriage functions best as a team, not as two individuals keeping score. Galatians 6:2 reminds us to carry each other's burdens. That means when your spouse is overwhelmed, you don't ask whether it's "your job" — you just pick up the weight and carry it together. It's a "we," not a "me" or a "you."
Be Mindful of Physical Intimacy
Every season of marriage brings a different rhythm to physical intimacy — and that's normal. What matters is staying on the same page, communicating honestly about it, and refusing to take it personally when a season shifts. Make room for connection outside the bedroom too. A little spark outside the house goes a long way toward keeping the spark alive inside it.
Balance Personal Growth With Togetherness
You and your spouse each have your own journey of growth — and that's healthy. The key is making sure you're growing alongside each other, not so far apart that you drift. One of the best ways to do this is by nurturing community together, especially within a church body. Serving together, even in small ways, builds a kind of connection that's hard to replicate anywhere else.
Remember You're Supposed to Be Friends
Somewhere in the busyness of marriage, it's easy to forget that friendship is often what got you connected in the first place. If you've drifted from that friendship, go find it again. Rediscover the things you actually enjoy doing together.
Where Do You Start?
If any of this feels far from where your marriage is right now, don't try to fix everything at once. Pick one or two areas. Pray and ask God to show you the first small adjustment to make. Have an honest conversation with your spouse — without blame, without name-calling — about how you'd rate your connection right now, and what one thing could make it better.
Small adjustments make big progress. And as you deepen your roots — through time together, kindness, forgiveness, maintenance, commitment, other-centeredness, and compassion — your marriage will be able to weather every season it moves through.
Because we are not the same people we were when we married. And that's exactly why we have to keep choosing, every day, to grow deeper together.
Bring hope home to your life today.
If you would like to learn more, check out our Marriage Builders Course here.