I am dedicating this month to moms - moms of every age and stage in their mothering journey. As I began to write this blog, I had not intended to talk about the heart-break of motherhood. However, I believe this conversation is an important one to have, especially as Mother’s Day approaches.

I always wanted to be a mom. I can remember in 5th grade doing an assignment about what I wanted to be when I grew up. The only thing I could truly think of was wanting to be a mom - I know, a weird thought for a 5th grader. My mom would even vouch for how much I mothered my dolls and even my little brother, who I treated like “my baby” (he will vouch for that!)

My innate desire to be a mom was met with a hefty blow of devastation. My husband and I had been married for three years when we decided to start a family. You can imagine my excitement when I took the test to confirm that I was pregnant. We were so excited and in love with our little baby that we told the news to everyone we knew. Then, the day came that I will never forget.

On December 26, 1997 I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in a moment. I was beyond heart-broken when the ill-mannered Dr. told me that my miscarriage was no big deal. He nonchalantly referred to my BABY as just fetal tissue - and that this was normal. What? How could he? I don’t care how normal a miscarriage is, this was my baby he was talking about!

I never knew I could experience so much love for someone I hadn’t met and then grieve the loss of that same precious being. I was a mom, even if it was for a couple of months. I knew that I would meet my precious little one in heaven someday. I am still looking forward to meeting my now 22 year-old child.

My husband and I grieved our loss. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it - I just wanted the pain to go away. When I hear of others going through the same hurt, I feel a loss for words again. What do you say? My heart hurts for all moms who have experienced this same pain whether once or multiple times. We are members of a club we never wanted to belong to. We all handle our grief differently too, and that’s okay.

By the way, don’t ever tell a mom who lost a baby around the beginning of her pregnancy that, “at least you weren’t very far along.” That sentiment is like kicking her in the gut. A mother’s heart begins to love immediately. If you don’t know what to say, DON’T SAY ANYTHING. Also, don’t ever say that God needed another baby in heaven. That is SO WRONG! God grieves when we grieve. He does not take babies - last time I checked, someone who takes a baby is a thief and a kidnapper. God is not a thief! 

If you are desiring to be a mom, but it hasn’t happened yet, or you have suffered miscarriages, or even if you had an abortion without realizing what you were doing - please know that my heart goes out to you and I am praying for you. I know what it is like to hear a friend announce her pregnancy and feeling numb, angry, sad, but happy for her at the same time. The dark shadow of grief for my own baby made it difficult to fully celebrate with others. On top of that, the guilt of feeling jealous of someone else’s happiness compounded my own grief.

I recently read a quote by Dr. Caroline Leaf. Her advice fits this situation, “Don’t make it your goal to never feel sad, anxious, or angry. This is unrealistic and you are setting yourself up to fail. Make it your goal to look at your emotions with curiosity and compassion. This will help reduce shame, guilt, and fear.” I wish I had had this advice 22 years ago. Instead, I tried to stuff my feelings because I felt they were wrong.

So, as Mother’s Day approaches, this is what I want you to know. I see you, I feel you, and you ARE a mom. You may not have gotten to hold your baby, but you will someday - he or she is in your future. I celebrate you and honor you for your determination and grace in the midst of pain. I celebrate your courage to keep going when the disappointment seems to much to bear. Mothers are warriors, and you are one of the toughest.

I love what Psalms 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” That is a promise that you can hold on to. You might not feel healed overnight, but healing will come. You can help the process of healing by:

• Treating yourself with compassion. Don’t deny your feelings of disappointment and hurt.
• Give that hurt (your care) to God. 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”
• Look to the future with hope. Keep pressing forward with earnest, intense, expectation - knowing that God’s grace is there to carry you through.