As I am writing this, my husband and I are driving back from dropping our second child off at college. (Update: We now have two kids married, and the "baby" will be married in June) If you have gone through this process of taking your child to college, you know that you deal with a bag of mixed emotions. You are sad to say goodbye yet excited for your child to begin the new chapter in his/her life. You are nervous for them as they start their new venture, yet proud of all they have and will accomplish. There are other emotions that surface as one sits in an emptier house. It’s the getting out four plates for dinner and realizing that you only need three now or the empty spot on the couch where an indent from where they would usually sit still remains. It’s the concerts or the games that you don’t have to go to anymore. It’s going from knowing about the details of your child’s life to now only knowing what they choose to tell you.

There are so many books about what to expect when bringing a new baby into the world, yet not much is out there to prepare for the other end of parenting - empty nesting. Where is the ‘epidural’ for numbing the pain due to ‘delivering’ your child into the “real world?” How do we transition from a life centered around our children and their activities to parenting as more of a supportive friend?

There is an almost panic feeling that occurs during your child’s Senior year in High School regarding if you prepared them for life adequately. It is actually unfair to even feel like we must prepare our kids for everything. I mean, did you know everything there was to know about life the moment you left home? The answer is no. You learned through life’s ups and downs. In fact, you probably have learned the most from the hard times that you have gone through. The other reality is that just because your child is leaving your home doesn’t mean that they don’t need you or won’t come to you for help or advice. You are definitely not finished with parenting.

So, for what it’s worth, here is what I have learned while transitioning my children to live independently.

1.     Don’t beat yourself up with ‘should-haves or could-haves.’ We as parents try our best to provide for our children and teach them what they need to know to the best of our abilities. However, no matter how hard we have tried to do everything right, the truth is we have all failed in one way or another. Why? Because there is no such thing as a perfect parent. So, don’t beat yourself up with the thoughts of not being or doing enough for your child. If you loved your child and did your best, you succeeded.

2.     Allow your child to have growing pains. My children had physical growing pains but also went through some emotional growing pains as well. Your child will, and needs, to go through some tough situations to grow as an individual. I’m actually thankful that my children have had to go through some less-than-ideal times in their lives and have had to deal with individuals that treated them badly. Through those situations, we were able to teach our children how to lean on God for themselves and how to walk in forgiveness and love.  

3.     Don’t Worry. I know this one might seem like an unrealistic task, but worrying about your child is not going to help you or them. Instead, leave all of your concerns in the hands of God. Trust that He loves your child more than you do and will guide them into their best life.

4.     Back off. One of the biggest issues that surface when my husband and I counsel couples is a controlling parent or in-law. A parent that gives their children unsolicited advice or even worse, still telling their adult child what to do, is wrong. Unsolicited advice will cause your relationship with your adult child to be strained. Your relationship with your child needs to transition to a supportive relationship. Let him/her come to you when they need some advice, and they will.

5.     Embrace and enjoy the new chapter in your own life. Put more of your attention and energy into yourself and your spouse. Let’s face it, children drain most of our free time through all of their activities and needs. Take a little time to dream for yourself. What goals do you have for this next chapter of your life? Make new traditions of weekly date nights or learn a new hobby together. It is okay and even healthy to move your adult child to the ‘back burner’ and bring you and your spouse to the front. The bottom line is to enjoy! Now, if you still have children at home, your job is not done. Don’t relax on parenting them till they are out of the house.

Just like bringing a baby into the world, the transition to empty nesting is unique for each parent and child. Some parents are nervous and feel unprepared while others are more than ready for their child to leave. Whatever the case, your Heavenly Father knows you and your child. He knows the plans for you as well. Your journey is not over – it’s just getting started!